Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
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I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.