Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
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her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
💁🏻♂️
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
🤔😂😂
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”