Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
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If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine