Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Me too door. Me too.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.