netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
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Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
The symmetry is uncanny.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.