Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
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Zack Greinke stories are the best
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.