Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
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Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Autocorrect completely socks
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.