Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
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RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08