Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
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Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.