Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
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I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.