Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
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I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.