Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 馃檪
You Might Also Like
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn鈥檛 have any because I鈥檓 not an animal.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he鈥檚 probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
3: I know what鈥檚 keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn鈥檛 be able to fix
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn鈥檛 let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don鈥檛 want children.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 馃槒”
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don鈥檛 wanna get up
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby鈥檚 how I clean puke off my son.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now