NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
You Might Also Like
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
SPLOOT
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Kentucky names the shit out of places
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today