@CodeineFridge

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

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@MomOnFire

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

@BangMyBongo

Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…

She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites

@ACartoonCat

*writing dating profile*

Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…

Friend: Oh strong start

Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…

Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing

Me: …bitter and makes you poop…

Friend: *unplugging my wifi*

@akatinamarie

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

@autumnsays_

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

@TheToddWilliams

Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever

@KizerBillhelm

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

@SteveSuckington

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

@GetCougarized

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.