Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
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Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.