Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
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Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
a fate I wish upon no one
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir