Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
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My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Jesus Christ lmao
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Mornin
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.