Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
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My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.