@BlastZonePod

Netflix: We have Less

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@egg_dog

UK and US word differences

UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns

@Bipartisanism

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

@PoodleSnarf

Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad

Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!

@beefman138

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

@CornOnTheGoblin

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

@KateWhineHall

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

@lisaxy424

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

@_wangwe

Judge: Did you commit murder?

Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.

Judge: hahaha!

Me: hahaha!

Judge: Life.

@envydatropic

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

@mommy_cusses

Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.