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Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today