@BlastZonePod

Netflix: We have Less

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@bornmiserable

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

@i_love_fudge

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

@AnneHatfieldVO

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

@ArfMeasures

[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now

@GrantTanaka

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

@

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

@bransonreese

My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”

@LitBiden

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

@SondraDeeMe

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.