Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
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Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes