Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
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I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
#Thanos #MondayMood
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
when you don’t want to be too vague
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
pls suprot
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Yup….perfect score!
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.