@_wangwe

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

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@mattytalks

Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine

@joejwest

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

@NikatNiteNite

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

@Lovestained555

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

@timdonakowski

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

@Jandalize

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

@MatCro

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

@howe007

Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.

@mrtruthandsoul

Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?

@_NinJar

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket