never ask a starfish for directions
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Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.