Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
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Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.