Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
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People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.