Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
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It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.