Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
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[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Meeeee too!
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie