Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
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My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.