Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
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Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker