Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.

Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently

Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”

CDC ”Stop right there!!”

Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣

Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me

Me: You have to do your homework.

My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?

Me: Obviously yes.

Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

ah yes….my favourite videogame

A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich

When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway

-inventor of the Biscotti

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too