Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
You Might Also Like
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Noah
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.