never deleting this app.
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Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*