Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
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If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
No chill.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free