Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
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Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.