Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
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*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.