Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
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A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
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Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
The Assassin.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.