Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
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*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Ferrari squats
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying