Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
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I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.