Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
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If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
This classic never gets old . . .
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Schrödinger’s cookie
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.