never forget
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What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
not seeing the problem
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.