Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
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My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions