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I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.