Never forget.
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crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.