Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
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Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle