Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
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What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.