Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
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You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.