Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
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If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.