Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
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There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
From Facebook just now…
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon