Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
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Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.