“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
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Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
📽️movie date🎞️
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???