Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
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[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.