@DannyZuker

Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.

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@JasonLastname

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

@chrisdowning

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

@SharkJelly

Clark Kent “I have a confession”

Lois Lane “what is it?”

*Clark removes his glasses*

Lois “Is it a bird?”

Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”

@Rollmaninoz

[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??

@Unkle_K

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

@HatfieldAnne

No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.

@DadandBuried

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

@BestBitMachine

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

@ShutUpThatsWho

ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!

BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.