Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
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My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”