Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
You Might Also Like
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
philosophical skeletons be like
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.