Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
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fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened