Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
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as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.